Do you have any sauce?

Yes indeed we do Sir, but I hope you don’t have arthritis in your fingers or are a compulsive nail bitter because if that is the case then I fear your meal may have to be consumed condiment free.

Who, in their right mind thought that putting sauces and dressings into foil satchets was a good idea?

I am told that it’s all about hygiene, but I am not sure I buy that explanation as I frequent plenty of eateries that present their arsenal of bottled accompaniments, albeit in a wooden toolbox.

I urge you to cast this evil time sapping pointless pocket of puss aside.

So, let this blog post be my footnote in the history of mankind that I forthwith declare war on the sodding satchet, your time is over and the fact your even made it past the planning stage will remain a mystery to me.

I also extend my anguish to those who run establishments where the satchet survives and I  urge you to cast this evil time sapping pointless pocket of puss aside.

Now, you may be asking why such strong words for a humble piece of foil packaging, well I admire packaging in all of its guises especially those that facilitate produce to arrive in good time and in perfect condition, but the satchet is not such an item.

Let’s be honest, even after much turning, failed tearing, squeezing and kneeding to successfully release your chosen accompaniment from its foily encarceration, even if you manage to extract it to the favoured location on your food rather than launch it randomly, I wager you that it is practically impossible to get more on to the plate than on your fingers.

Of course the now discarded flaccid foil parcel probably still has plenty of your chosen delicacy still languishing within, but these last drops can only be consumed easily by popping the ruined ‘foilage’ into your mouth, but beware, aside from the risk of a shocking reaction to one of your tooth fillings remember that the reason for all this ‘convenience’ in the first place was allegedly hygiene.

So yes of course it makes sense to serve me my condiments in a sachet that has been handled many times and unlikely to have been cleaned at any point from its manufacture and filling to the point it was it my grubby paws and being ripped, squeezed and chewed out of all recognition. 

So, as I stare at what is barely a teaspoon of liquid on my plate, with sticky fingers I reach for a second satchet, only then realising the total genius of the concept, having wrestled open just one of these little bastards I am now rendered physically even less capable to open the next…and indeed my enthusiasm and energy required for the task has waned considerably.

Unless of course, I go wash and dry my hands! 

So, it turns out satchets are hygienic and economic after all.